No Abilities Act
WASHINGTON, DC: On Monday, Pres. Bush’s Republican-controlled
Congress approved the “Administrators With No Abilities Act”, sweeping
new legislation that provides benefits and protection for several
talentless school district Administrators.
The act, signed into law by President Bush shortly after its passage, is
being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S.
Administrators who lack any real skills or uses.
“Roughly 50 percent of Administrators through no fault of their own do
not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
themselves in society,” said Bush, a longtime ANA supporter.
lives are futile, hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end
busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others for distribution to their
instructional staffs, calling meaningless committee meetings, and
processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly,
these millions of non-abled Administrators, the American dream of
working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”
Under the Administrators With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding “middle-administrative positions will be created in
the education sector for non-abled administrators, providing them with
an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to
create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,
utterly replaceable Administrators. The legislation also provides
school districts with incentives to hire one non-germane Administrator
for every two talented teachers.
Finally, the Administrators With No Abilities Act also contains tough
new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning
prospective school districts from asking such questions as, “What can
you bring to this school districts?” and “Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this school districts?”
“As a non-abled Administrator, I frequently find myself unable to keep
up with teachers who have something going for them,” said Dr. F. U.
LaBeaver, who holds a position as an unessential stuperintendent at a
local school district, but worries because of his lack of notable
“This new law should really help people like me build bridges into the
With the passage of the Administrators With No Abilities Act, LaBeaver
millions of other untalented, inessential Administrators can finally see
a light at the end of the tunnel.
(Unfortunately it’s not an on coming train!)
Said Bush: “It is our duty, both as law makers and as human beings, to
provide each and every Administrators, regardless of his or her lack of
value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.
We will all contribute to this great improvement in American life via
the new tax increase to be passed by Congress next week.”