Academy Construction

In order to help ease the budget crunch cause by the $5 million deficit, the Bored of Education to decided to put Dr. LaBeaver's usually unproductive work hours to good use. He was assigned to aid the bricklayers in the construction of the new addition to the Academy. Unfortunately due to his inability to do anything correctly he was injured on the job.

This is an addendum to his bricklayer's accident report, which was sent to the Workers' Compensation Board. (Had he died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure!)

Dear Sirs:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.  I put "Inexperience" as the cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.  Remember, I am a Stuperintendent, not a bricklayer by trade and not experienced with any type of productive labor.

On the day of the accident, I was killing time on the roof of the new six-story addition to the Academy.  When the bricklayers completed their work, they found they had some bricks left over. (When weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs).  Since I had done nothing but sit on my ass all day, they assigned me the job of removing the excess bricks. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.  Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 235 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.  This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you again to my weight.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.  Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.  I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.  This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

                                                               Dr. F. U. LaBeaver


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