Priceless Biology Lesson
While he was observing a Biology Class, a student came up to
Dr. LaBeaver to tell him there was something wrong
with one of the two lizards kept in the room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told Dr. LaBeaver.
"It looks serious, Dr. LaBeaver. Can you help?"
Dr. LaBeaver put his best lizard-healer statement on his
face and followed the student to the terrarium. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
"Students," LaBeaver called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," Dr. LaBeaver diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."
"What?" the student demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie!"
Outraged, Dr. LaBeaver turned to the teacher. "Hey, how can that be?
Did you read my directive that said we didn't want animals to
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
The teacher replied sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
Dr. LaBeaver reminded her.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" the student agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,"
the teacher sarcastically informed Dr. LaBeaver
By now the rest of the class had gathered to see what was going on.
LaBeaver shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," LaBeaver announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, GROSS!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of tiny little lizard babies for the summer?" the teacher wanted to
LaBeaver peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," LaBeaver noted.
"It's breech," the student whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" the students urged.
Squeamishly, LaBeaver reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared.
LaBeaver tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" the students wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," LaBeaver said grimly.
LaBeaver ordered a school bus to drive the class to the vet,
with the student holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," LaBeaver urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," the teacher noted to him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
LaBeaver suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Dr. LaBeaver,
may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
LaBeaver gulped, nodding for the students to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" LaBeaver asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured LaBeaver.
"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't
EVER going to happen for two reasons:
1. Lizzards lay eggs
2. Ernie is a boy
You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they masturbate. Just the
way he did, lying on his back. So Ernie's just...
just...Excited," the vet offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
After some silence, then started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" LeBeaver demanded.
Tears were now running down the vets face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny
the vet gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
LeBeaver thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards
and the students back into the bus. They were glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, the students told
"Oh, you have NO idea," the vet agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 lizards - $20...
1 terrarium - $15...
1 school bus - $250
Visit to the Vet - $65...
Memory of Dr. LaBeaver pulling on a lizard's wacker -..... PRICELESS!"