South
Skunky Administrative
Benefits
TO: Dr. LaBeaver
FROM: Bored of Education
RE: Central Office Administrator Benefits
DATE: September 2003
It has been brought to the attention of the Bored of
Education
that
many Central Office Administrators have been dying while on duty for no
good
reason.
Furthermore, it also appears that some Central Office Administrators
are
refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has
resulted
in unearned
overtime payments which are not provided for under our Central Office
Administrator
benefit program.
Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!
On and after today, any Central Office Administrator found
sitting
up after he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once,
without
further investigation.
This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).
When it can be proven that the Central Office Administrator is being
held
up by a desk,
typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support
which
is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be
granted.
In the event of apparent death, the following procedures
will
be strictly adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any Central Office
Administrator
has not moved
or opened at least one eye, the Superintendent will investigate.
Because
of
the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some Central Office
Administrators
and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal
working
attitude, the
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the Central
Office
Administrator if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under
present
union contracts).
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the Central
Office
Administrator, a
pay check will be used as the final test. If the Central Office
Administrator
fails to reach
for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note
that
in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
clutching
may occur even after death; do not be misled by this manifestation.
3. In the event that an Central Office Administrator fails to abandon
whatever
he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as
this
is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.