TO: Dr. LaBeaver
FROM: Bored of Education
RE: Central Office Administrator Benefits
DATE: September 2003
It has been brought to the attention of the Bored of
many Central Office Administrators have been dying while on duty for no
Furthermore, it also appears that some Central Office Administrators
refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has
overtime payments which are not provided for under our Central Office
Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!
On and after today, any Central Office Administrator found
up after he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once,
This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).
When it can be proven that the Central Office Administrator is being
up by a desk,
typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support
is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be
In the event of apparent death, the following procedures
be strictly adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any Central Office
has not moved
or opened at least one eye, the Superintendent will investigate.
the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some Central Office
and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the Central
Administrator if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the Central
pay check will be used as the final test. If the Central Office
fails to reach
for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note
in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic
may occur even after death; do not be misled by this manifestation.
3. In the event that an Central Office Administrator fails to abandon
he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as
is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.