South Skunky Schools

South Skunky Administrative Benefits

TO: Dr. LaBeaver
FROM: Bored of Education
RE: Central Office Administrator Benefits
DATE: September 2003

   It has been brought to the attention of the Bored of Education that
many Central Office Administrators have been dying while on duty for no good reason.
Furthermore, it also appears that some Central Office Administrators are refusing to fall over after they have died. This, in some cases, has resulted in unearned
overtime payments which are not provided for under our Central Office Administrator benefit program.
   Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!
   On and after today, any Central Office Administrator found sitting up after he/she has died will be dropped from the payroll at once, without further investigation.
This action is covered by Company Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).
When it can be proven that the Central Office Administrator is being held up by a desk,
typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of support which
is the property of the company, a one (1) day period of grace will be granted.
   In the event of apparent death, the following procedures will be strictly adhered to:
1. If, after several hours, it is noted that any Central Office Administrator has not moved
or opened at least one eye, the Superintendent will investigate. Because of
the highly sensitive nature and/or origin of some Central Office Administrators and because of the close resemblance between death and their normal working attitude, the
investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking the Central Office Administrator if he/she is asleep (which is, of course, permitted under present union contracts).
2. If some doubt still exists as to the true condition of the Central Office Administrator, a
pay check will be used as the final test. If the Central Office Administrator fails to reach
for the check, it is reasonable to assume that death has occurred. Note that in some cases the instinct is so strongly developed that a spastic clutching may occur even after death; do not be misled by this manifestation.
3. In the event that an Central Office Administrator fails to abandon whatever he/she is doing at Coffee Break time, no investigation is necessary as this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has already set in.