Q - I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will
be to choose the doctor I want?
A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These
basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the
But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.
Q - What does HMO stand for?
A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its
go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was
hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical
poke with hi-tech qequivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips,
the result remains the same.
Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A - No. Only those you need.
Q - What are pre-existing conditions?
A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately we appear to be
Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache.
should I do?
A - Poke yourself in the eye.
Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A - You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
primary care physician. It's best to wait till you return and
Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists s/he can
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
right in his/her office?
A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
there's no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?
Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd
paid my bill. What should I do?
A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you
ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers
and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q - Will health care be any different in the next century?
A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.