South Skunky Schools

Early Retirement

FROM: Dr. LaBeaver
TO:        All Teachers
SUBJECT:   Early Retirement

As a result of reduction of funds budgeted by the Bored of Education for
instructional areas, we are forced to reduce the size or our teaching

Under the new plan, older teachers will be asked to take early retirement
thus permitting the retention of younger teachers. This will help us 
reach our goal of reducing payroll.

Therefore, a program to phase out older teachers by the end of the current
fiscal year via retirement will be placed into effect immediately.  This program
will be known as RAPE (Retire Aging Personnel Early).

Teachers who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the district.  Provided that they are being RAPED, they can
request a review of their employment record before actual retirement takes
place.  This phase of the process is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities
of Retired Early Workers).

All teachers who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the
Bored of Education. This phase will be called  SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, a teacher may
be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be shafted as many times as the
district  deems appropriate.

If a teacher follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Severance)  or CLAP
(Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she already has AIDS
( Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse).  As HERPES and CLAP are
considered benefit plans, a teacher who has received HERPES or CLAP will
no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the district.

The Bored of Education wishes to assure all younger teachers that the
district will continue its policy to assure that teachers are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) (See our previous
memo).  The district takes pride in the amount of SHIT our teachers
receive.  We have given our teachers more SHIT than any other district in
the area; however, if any teacher feels he or she does not receive enough
SHIT on the job, please see your immediate supervisor.  Your supervisor is
equipped to make sure you get all the SHIT you can stand.

Thank you for your kind attention.