#18: THE DEVIL
Though Jack Chick would have you believe SATAN is #1 on the list, he's just not been pulling his weight as of late.
There hasn't been any televangelist scandals in that last 10 years, record sales of Creed are higher than Black Sabbath and Ozzy, and the only backwards messages in music these days seem to be "Buy More Britney Spears Records!".
In a time where kids are far more interested in Pikachu than Satan, you have to wonder if he's asleep at the wheel.
There's not even an evil empire around anymore. Ever since Hitler, The Devil's had his hand in world politics, but with a deposed Milosevic and a neutered Saddam Hussein (who's writing friendly letters to folks in Pennsylvania), there's nobody running a country with Hell's backing. Satan's even pulled his support from Afghanistan, citing that Osama bin Laden is "too difficult to work with" and "that whole goat sex thing is just too creepy, even for me."
Even China is more interested in making cheap action figures for the world, than raising Hell's banner on top of Tiannamen Square.
Is there even room for The Devil anymore? Some would argue not. To get to the bottom of the matter, I had an exclusive interview with the guy.
SATAN: Thanks for taking the time to hear my story. Please allow me to introduce myself...
LaBeaver: I know who you are, jeez, who else has the horns? Listen, why do you think your influence on the world is waning?
SATAN: Personally I blame Jack Chick. He's making me look like a total ass. I mean who the hell says, "HAW! HAW! HAW!" when they laugh? Makes me look like a goddamn Hillbilly. Sorry for the foul mouth by the way.
LaBeaver: Why apologize for using The Lord's name in vain? It's not like you have to worry about going in Hell.
SATAN: Hey, Hell even sucks for me. What with all those Scientologists and Jehovah Witnesses clogging the place up, it's becoming absolutely unbearable to live there anymore. Honestly, I'm thinking of converting. There's no way in, well...Hell, that I'm gonna stick around once Travolta gets here.
LaBeaver: Wow! I can't believe what I'm hearing. Well, you've been up there with God back in your LUCIFER days, and have seen both sides of the fence. Knowing what you know, can you tell me what religion should people choose to get it right?
SATAN: Well, honestly, I shouldn't tell you this...but it's a little known fact that only The AMISH go to heaven. Everyone else is fooling themselves.
LaBeaver: You're kidding me?
SATAN: God hates light bulbs, it's just that simple.
LaBeaver: Well thanks much for taking time out of your busy schedule, and best of luck to you in your future endeavors.
SATAN: Yeah, I'm busy working on the new Fall lineup for UPN. Hail ME! Ha Ha!