#85: RANCOR BEAST
Special Guest Writer
It's been many years since I've last been able to share some time with my beloved Rancor Beast. Things were going great at Jabba's Palace for us, until Mark Hamill killed my baby. I'll never forgive him as long as I live.
I remember the day I first met my little Rancor Beast as if it were yesterday. I was at a Tatooine swinger bar and I saw him there for the first time, nursing a Kahlua and Blue Cream. He looked so lonely in the corner. I asked him to dance, and you can just imagine how my heart leapt when he said yes. We danced and danced, and when that Max Rebo ballad, "Tentacle Love" came on, our eyes met with electricity. A kiss was inevitable, and so was our subsequent trip back to his apartment.
It was hard for me to please Rancor Beast sexually. He's so much bigger than I am, so it involved a procedure not unlike that Earthling pastime of spelunking. Let's just say we brought whole new meaning to the term, "How Deep Is Your Love".
Rancor Beast liked the simple things in life. Barefoot walks in the park... Orange popsicles... Munching the heads of Gammorean Guards as if they were popcorn....
I'm tempted to become a necrophiliac just so I can enjoy him some more. But I'm no sicko!
Mark Hamill, when you took my Rancor Beast away from me, you cut out a piece of my heart. I hope you die, and that your eternal curse in Hell is to watch CORVETTE SUMMER for all eternity.
RIP Rancor Beast. You will be missed!
Your soulmate four life...